In my previous blog post, I ended with my graduation from my Phd program. This post will focus on my experiences working IN Academia. To do that, I will have to go back into my PhD program again.
Grad Assistant 2006
I remember the moment when I realized that Academia was not a safe space for Black people. My first year as a PhD student (2005), I was very part time. I wanted to sort of dip my toe in the water first. The university I had been accepted to, had an award winning COE (college of education). I heard how much you will grow and learn in that program (and even with all that I went through…it did NOT disappoint). I also heard how there were racial issues there and that ultimately it was a hostile environment for students of color. This was the same university my mentor from Howard graduated from and he told me his whole story about the many times an obstacle was placed before him to keep him from graduating. Yet, he did whatever he needed to do. Getting a degree from this university would not be questioned, because even though they let SOME Black students in, it was not easy for them to get out. Even during my time there, I saw many drop out and even have a nervous breakdown in the process. If I could survive the journey, it would take my career to a whole new level.
In 2006, I decided to go full time because although the environment still felt unsettled, I was learning and growing so much. I wanted to be immersed in the knowledge. My academic advisor at the university where I was earning my PhD recommended me for a GA position. I was honored. One hurdle was jumped. Somehow my tenacity was paying off and I was being noticed as a good student. I was awarded the GA position, which covered my tuition, plus a nice stipend. I was so excited. That excitement would end when I found out my GA appointment would be with a professor who was well known for not just being unkind to Black people, but to Jews, women….he was a…I can’t say it. I’m a praying woman.
For several days, I checked my email waiting for an email directing me on our first meeting. Nothing came. I went to the office and asked what I should do since the professor hadn’t reached out to give me direction. Someone suggested that I just go to his office, so I did. I knocked on the door and he said, “Come in.” I opened the door and there he was, meeting with his other grad assistant, a White girl who had JUST graduated with her BA. She had NEVER taught before. At the time I already had 3 masters degrees, been teaching for about 15 years and had loads of experience in public and private school education. Remember these “resume” differences. Take a moment and read that all again, because you will need to link this to the next part of this story.
He looked up from his desk and said nothing. He looked at me with a blank face. So I smiled and said, “Hello, I found out that I am your grad assistant?” He sighed and pointed to a chair for me to sit. Then he went on talking to the other girl. I would like to say that eventually he turned to me and informed me of my roles and responsibilities. He did not. Day after day, 5 days a week, I showed up to his office and each day he only talked to the other girl. I kept showing up. I followed them both to his classes. I came to every meeting, whether he spoke to me or not. Eventually, he realized that I was not going anywhere and he gave me tasks to do like passing out papers to students in his class. The other girl…the one with only a BA and no teaching experience, he allowed to teach his Methods classes and watch this…..SUPERVISE STUDENT TEACHERS.
I went to my advisor to share what was happening. My advisor up this point had been pretty kind. At this point, his demeanor changed. He showed no sign of compassion or empathy. He expressed no desire to hold the other professor accountable. He did not offer support or advice for what to do. Instead he said, “Well he can choose whoever he wants to take on different responsibilities.” From the moment my advisor and I had that conversation, everything changed. Just by me opening my mouth to say, “Hey, I am experiencing something here that seems like racism.” Everything within the department changed. Not just with White people, but I felt a slow pulling away from even Black people. I have come to realize that sometimes when Black people make it to a higher level on the plantatio…I mean, in the university they get really irritated with Black people who call out racism, because it disturbs their peace and their progress. DEI should be about tearing down any trace of “plantational” characteristics. DEI should go beyond just letting diverse people in the door, but it should involve a unified effort to hold people accountable who still want to live by the “old ways” of our country’s racist past. When that does not happen…when Whites keep treating us as inferior and Blacks keep letting them do it to preserve their position, then DEI is a scam. Hearts have to change. Black hearts have to realize that they are fearfully and wonderfully made just like everyone else in the world and that their validation does not need to come from White people. White hearts have to realize that Black people deserve to be treated equally and that it does not betray your community to hold another White person accountable when they are acting in a White supremist or racist way. Together, Blacks and Whites have to fight to excavate every bit of White supremacy they encounter, if America and its institutions will truly heal.
It got so bad that a White professor noticed what was happening to me and took a step of courage. She asked leadership if I could be her GA. Without mentioning what she was seeing, she just said she needed some help on her projects and asked if I could be her assistant. They granted her request and I was able to escape. She was my Peg Leg Joe (read Follow the Drinking Gourd)! I was able to finish that year as a GA with her, but decided not to return to being a GA for the following years of my doctoral studies, because to finish my PhD, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey, since there was not much support, community or encouragement from Whites or Blacks in the space. So I needed to dig my feet in the ground and focus so that I could survive and reach the ultimate goal of earning my PhD.
Years went on and my advisor by this time had become basically non-existant. He was not guiding or mentoring me through my studies. A Black professor noticed that I seemed a little lost in my program. She was only at the university for a brief time while I was there, but unlike other Black professors there, she did not seem to care about her position or status being jeopardized. So she introduced me to a colleague of hers. He was a White professor. (I am sharing the race of those in my story, so that you can see that I am not writing this to blame any one race, but that we all have a responsibility to work together to bring change. My experience is an illustration of how when we work together, in spite of our racial differences, we can bring change.) From that introduction, he asked if he could meet with me. I came to his office. He closed the door. He sat down and looked at me and said, “There are some who do not want to see you get out of here, but I am going to help you.” And he helped me. Because of that one meeting, I got out. He looked at my courses and realized that my advisor had approved me to take over 70 credits when I need about 48 to do my comps and start my research. From that one meeting, I got a new advisor and chair of my committee, 2 White women who worked hard to get me through. I met a Black professor in another department who became a friend and she took me to lunch to encourage me on the last leg of my journey. She eventually served on my committee. Not sharing names here, but if you are reading this, thank you. I will always thank these people.
My doctoral studies ended with my defense being presented to a mixed group of Black and White professors who believed in my research and my right as a Black woman to research a topic of great interest to me. They even asked me to openly share about my experience and how that impacted me on the journey…as part of my defense! I never would have met any of these people who helped me to finally finish, if that one Black professor hadn’t stepped out of the safety of her position to help me. I never would have made it to defend my dissertation if that one White professor hadn’t stepped out of the this mindset of “White loyalty” and helped me. I never would have been able to complete a year working as a GA, if that White professor hadn’t opened her eyes to my experience, and took one step of action to help me.
All of this happened within a university that taught CRT, Culturally Relevant Pedagogy, held workshops and symposiums on racism in education, and had an Urban Education degree program. I read so much Gloria Ladson-Billings, Lisa Delpit, Linda Darling Hammond, and others there! I read all of those WHILE experiencing the racism they talk about in education!! DEI is often used as a tool to protect those who are White supremist and that do not want to be held accountable. It’s window dressing. It’s placing that DEI director at the forefront, so the White supremist leader doesn’t have to deal with those slav….I mean students who are experiencing racism within the institution. Ever tried to talk to a leader in the university about your racist experience and they pass you off to a Black leader of DEI or HR and after they hear your story, nothing gets addressed ??? Because the Overseer only has the amount of power that the Master gives him. How can DEI really look like DEI and not like a tool of the master to keep the Black folk in place or in line? DEI sanctioned by an institution that has not dealt with its issues of White supremacy and racism is the equivalent of George Washington being a “nice slave master.” DEI done in the way I have described in my story, is a distraction from seeing that work still needs to be done in the institution and in the hearts of those who are working and learning there.
Stay tuned for pt. 3…
Dr. Anika T. Prather 